Killer's Take and the Bounty of Thieves

Voiced over black ~ "You mean like an introductory monologue ?"

"I'm an actor playing a role.  Thought it was the role of a lifetime but it turned up written by the director's cousin's nephew's sister's fucking baby daddy and now I'm contractually obligated.  Wedding's next week."  Sound of a smoke.  "They'll make lots of promises.  They always do."

A hand pouring gin in the black, down angled showing the hanging mic and nothing else.

Director - "Will you just fucking say the lines."

Actor - "Yeah.  I'll say your fucking lines."  Sound of a smoke and a drink, the crashing of glass.

Behind the wheel of a 70's car, looking super serious with a smoke in his mouth.  "I'm a cop.  On the mean streets of LA.  Working the case of a lifetime ... or so I thought ... but now ... "

~ The car launches off the cliff.

Actor - "Now I'm not so sure."

~ And explodes.

~ Killer's Take and the Bounty of Thieves ~

The actor at photoshoots and after parties while the character cop montages the opening credits for its show.  He nods off during an award show then at a fashion show, the models walking the credits while he dozes, one smiles walking by.

He nods off in court, then while getting ridden by the model the cop rages on.  A line of cocaine, wide eyes, she smiles behind.

A shootout with the cop, chaotic clips, the song skips with a sound of a projector flipping its tape through as the screen flickers out.  Needle in the arm, it flickers back in, the song goes on to the production credits.

He turns and tosses her a big white bundle on the way to the shower.

~ three days ago ~

The actor walks through the medium high end for the 70's strip club to the table waiting, 'business men' in their gold chains, bodyguards occasionally distracted by the stage.

The man at the center smile (the producer) - "And what did I tell you."

Actor - Sits down, to the waitress.  "Whatever this bad motherfucker right here is having, one for me and one for him."  Places his hand on the tray an a smile, "One of a dying breed,"  Unto her eyes, "Of men who keep their promises.  For you."

He removes his hand showing a small pile of raw gems.

She draws back in concern.

Actor - "Don't worry about it.  Not a drop on them.  Whatever's left after the tab, we'll need a bit of privacy for next hour.  And if you never saw. me I'll see you tonight."

Man in the center - "And Louise."

Actor - Smiles back to the waitress reaching into his pocket.  "And whoever the fuck Louise is on that table right there."  Drops a ruby.

Waitress - "Eight o'clock."

Actor - "That's in an hour."

Director - Off screen, 'Alright cut !"

Actor - As a cop driving, "Always before the good parts.  Truth is, this job turned out to be more than I bargained for ... "

...

Actor - To off screen, "That's kinda redundant with the opening really."

...

Director - "Yeah okay."

Actor - A sigh ... "Well fuck it then."  He and the waitress bang hard in a pile of jewels and roses.  "Fucked up thing I love every one of 'em.  Every woman every role ... I love what it takes and I love what it makes.  Even when the critics hate it."

~ He flies through the air looking heroic, turns to the side and winks at his flying dog.

"Even that one.  Fuck it."  She screams beneath him grabbing the rails and he pounds.  "It's all beautiful.  Everything's art.  They even think I'm pretty.  But personally ... "

Cheese-ball thumbs up in a racing suit on the cover of GQ, " ... I don't see it."

The waitress - Looking up at him is sweat just after, arms around his shoulders.  "I do.  I see it."

They kiss to lights out.
________

Aviators at the coffee shop, waiting for the director who arrives.

Director - "So.  We have a new writer."

Actor - "Jesus Christ.  I told you."

Director - "Naw they ... well they found they other guy in the tub."

Actor - "Jesus Christ.  I'm sorry."

Director - "Ah.  Barely knew 'im."

Actor - "Jesus Christ."  The coffees arrive, he smiles up at her, "Hey."

Drifting in a parachute with his aviators on ~

Actor - Smoke in his mouth as the car blows up in the air behind him, "I'm a cop.  In the mean streets of LA.  But little did I know when I took the job, that the most dangerous case of all, would be a case of love."

Director - "That was perfect."

Actor - "Fuck you."

As the parachute drifts into a cloud ...

He wakes in his bed alone, dresses the action bod that hopefully gets a couple of females into the audience, to the mirror at that that chiseled face.  He checks the jaw as second and shaves it.

"Nope.  I don't see it."

Director - Coffee and bagels, "Well actors are a very insecure lot.  Bent on being anything but themselves."

Actor - "That's very astute Bob.  You take a class ?"

Director - "Look I don't mean you.  You're a special breed.  I mean ... just be nice."

Actor - "What do you mean ?  What happens ?"

Director - "So ... you're going to get your ass kicked."

Tiny woman standing there - Big smile and looking very excited, "Hi !"  Then flying at his head with her foot extended in a dojo gi. "I know Kung Fu !"

Actor - Catches the foot holding it, he looks to the director, "Are you fucking kidding me !?  I am contractually bound, not to get my ass kicked."

Director - "So you wanna call it off then ?  Maybe we get then say ... Hansel Crown ?"

Co-star - Still held impossibly mid-air suddenly getting stars in her eyes, "Hansel ... Crown ... ?"  Goes limp with a sigh, still held in the air.

Actor - "That's just ... you know I hate that fucking guy."

Director - "You only hate him because you fucked his wife."

The co-star perks up, "Ooo."

Actor - "You know she hates that fucking guy."

Director - "Everybody hates that fucking guy."

Co-star - "i don't ... "

Actor - "Fine."

Co-star - "! Yay !"  He drops his hand.  The kick connects in slow mo as he tumbles over and over through the sky ... "Role of a fucking lifetime."

~ two

Actor - "More fucking reshoots !"

Co-star - "I love doing reshoots.  I feel like I get it better every time."

Actor - "Oh my God."

Director - "Well it turns out the writer ended up in the tub for a reason."

Co-star - "Was he dirty ?"

... 

She contains the blurting laughter ... she turns wide eyed to the actor and stares ...

Actor - Bursts out laughing, "Okay that was good."

Director - "Suffice to say, he stole from the wrong person."

Co-star - "O my God did he steal from Chule ?"

The director and actor twitch ~

Director - "We do not say that name."

Actor - "Seriously it's like ... inviting him in."

Co-star - Looks at them like their insane, "Wow.  Fucker's got you two wound up."

Director - "Dead in a fucking bath tub.  Okay ?  So we're doing some fucking reshoots !  Okay !?"

Actor - "No it's cool I love reshoots.  I feel like I get it better each time."

Co-star - "Mm-hm !"

   ~ "And ... Action !"

They sit at the diner on set, Gabrielle pours two cups.

Actor - "Leave the pot."

Gabrielle - "You leave the pot."  Walks away.

Actor - "Jesus Christ."

Co-star - "I know ... if that poor girl only knew how close the world is to dying tonight."

Actor - A laugh, "Maybe we should let it.  Look.  I know this is a shit mission for a trainee, it was supposed to be a simple op.  Exemplary.  Now I dragged you into all this ... from my past.  Those ninjas were from me an you had to save my ass again.  I'm so sorry.  I never ... "

Co-star - Hand over his, "It's okay ... hey.  It doesn't matter how it started.  We're in this together now.  And I'm glad."  Smiles, "Great training for something real."

Actor - Smiles back, hand over hers.  "But you know.  We can't let the sexual tension distract us until the end.  Either one of us, both of us could ... "

Co-star - "There's no sexual tension."

...

Actor - "What ?"

Co-star - "No they changed that part."  Pulls her script from under the table, "And gonna have to kick your ass again.  I'm sorry, I know you hate that part.  On page six."

Actor - Pulls his script and pages through pissed, "I do hate that part.  I mean honestly, you'd need superpowers for that.  No offense."

Co-star - "I do have superpowers now.  Page sixteen man did you even read this thing !?"

Actor - "I read the one they gave me Monday !"

Co-star - "Oh no.  This is the one from Wednesday.  They're so prolific I just love it."

Actor - He throws the script down, "Fuck me ... "
________

Co-star - Laying in bed next to him, "Your missing script turned up in the mail of the National Inquirer."

The actor's head slumps back in the pillow.

Co-star - "Hey ... cheer up butter cup !"  She leans to his ears and whispers, "You're at least three inches bigger than Hansel Crown."

...

He looks at the mirror on the ceiling as she rolls over to sleep.  Big smile, "Heh."  Spoons.

    ~ As they fly through the air in their capes, he holds a puppy under his arm.

"We're cops.  In the mean streets of LA.  By day that is but at night, we're superheroes."

She looks at him and winks.

Director - "Alright cut !  That was perfect !"

Co-star - "Practice makes !"

Director - As they get out of their flight harnesses, "So.  You're gonna be mad."  The co-star stands next to the director looking at the actor with sympathy, she already knows.

Actor - "New script ?"

Director - "Oh no !  This one's great."

The actor stares, the co-star looks around ...

Director - "New villain.  Last one got caught on security cameras breaking into the department store and assaulting the mannequins."

~ news flashes and papers ~

Director - Apparently 'Andy fucking Warhol is reading the script you lost over the footage, which they lost."

Actor - "Never got !"

Director - "For an 'art piece'."

     ~ Andy Warhol reads sitting in a chair at the fucked up club between a baited breath crowd and a projection of some fucking mannequins.  " the mean ... mean ... streets ... ... ... of Los Angeles ... " (hard 'g', his version of saying it in Spanish).

Actor - "Jesus Christ I'm invited to that.  We haven't even done those scenes yet what do I care."

Co-star - "Well ... "

     ~ She's in bed with a guy who looks very much like a Hansel Crown.

Co-star - "Oh.  No.  He's like three inches bigger than you.  Welcome aboard."

     ~ On set.

Actor - "You're the producer's daughter !?"

Producer - Walking on, "Heyyy ... "  He kisses her cheek, "How's my little honey bumpkins today.  These bad men are treating you well I hope ... "  Looks them over.

Co-star - "Hi Da-deeeee ... "  Big hugs.  "They're the cat's meow."

Producer - "Okay okay okay.  Alright listen fellas.  I know all these changes are the worst.  But we've been telemarketing, calling people in their homes about what they want to see."

Actor - "When ?"

Producer - "Well ... through the week and last !"

Actor - "No I mean what time of day."

Producer - "Well ... 'telemarketer hours' I suppose ... what are you saying son."

Actor - Chokes that one back, "So we're making a movie for housewives."

Co-star - "Actually lots of women work."

Actor - "Or their layabout husbands."

Producer - Looks at the director ... "Heyyy ... what do you think about this ... could this data beee ... "

Co-star - "I'm working right now."

Director - "Nawww ... it'll be fine !  Spin.  We got spin, babies ... we get on the papers.  They tell everyone it's good.  They may even believe it after they paid who fucking cares."

Actor - "So we've completely given up on making a good movie."

Director - "Well ... "

The producer looks around uncomfortably, then at the board party in an explosion of cocaine "Whoo !".

Co-star - Back on set, "We're liberated now."

...

Co-star - "It's cool."
________

Hansel - With an eye patch on as the white dust settles as smoke, "It is I.  Your evil nemesis."  He laughs maniacally, head raised high. 

His masked minions file in countless behind.

Actor - In chains and holding a puppy over a lava pit.  "We'll never talk to you ... Zhivago" (the dog barks).

Hansel - "Oh you'll talk alright.  You'll talk.  You'll scream.  You'll do a funny little dance when my minions shoot at your feet again ... so just save us some bullets, 'dancing queen'.  Tell us where she is."

The minions all cock their guns while the chain begins lowering for the pit.

Co-star - Explodes through the roof, hovering with clenched fists.  "Right here, Doctor Zhivago.  And your literary days are numbered."

Actor - Looking wide eyed as the light hits his face, to the puppy, "Look Dog Soldier ... she's evolving !  It's finally happening !" 

The dog barks with the same wide eyes, pants.

The co-star charges up as the minions shield their eyes from the blinding light as the room starts to quake.

Zhivago - Watching in rage while backing for the door, "No ... noooo ... NOOOO !"  He turns and runs

The room begins falling apart, the actor and Dog Soldier still watch in awe before all is silent but for the last of rubble.

Co-star - Camera to her glowy face, "I know Kung-Fu."

Music continues.  She holds out her fist while the the crew directs her flight harness, swinging her around and spinning her, trying to hit all the minions responding dramatically while she just holds out her fist looking serious.

She lands and kicks the bullets aside with her magic shin guards (they make a magic sparkle sound), starts doing back flips and cartwheels through on the various spin harnesses while the crew tries to aim (other things are struck).

At 2:46 they pull the engine cord for the cartwheel harness to spin her and works the exaggerated minions like a buzz-saw through the last, the crane control crew looking a bit maniacal at this point.

Pretty sure this is how video games were invented.  She pulls the lever to stop their lavaish descent just in time ...

Bark !

Action shot of her pulling them up by the chain in slow motion, the sweat on her brow, she breaks the chain when they've made it.  The dog leaps into her arms with a bark and licks her face.

Co-star - "Oh Dog Soldier ... "  She holds out a hand to help the actor up in the side still looking at the dog, "You always know what to say."

Dog Soldier - "I say it's time to leave this ... den of evil and see to my ... Kibbles and Bits."  Bark !

They all laugh ...

Director - "Oh ... my ... God.  And cut.  Print.  That was ... I ... smell ... an Oscar !"

Co-star - "Oh my God do your really think so !?"

Producer - "Anything for my perfect princess."  A look to the director, "Anything."

While the producer walks and the director looks after, she whispers in the actor's ear from behind, "Everything."  Then a sigh.

His eyes go wide, he turns and looks but she's gone.

~ three

Newshuman - "So you you anticipate a blockbuster."

Actor - "Absolutely."

Newshuman - "So.  Let's talk about your new co-star ... you've never shared the screen before.  What plans."

Actor - "Oh.  A true professional."

Newshuman - "So ... what do you think ?  Is there chemistry ?"

Actor - Smiles ... "Well.  She is.  A true professional.  How 'bout you ?"

Newshuman - Taken from behind in the motel, "Now that your film's old villain's turned up a mannequin fucker ... "  She winces ... an inhale, "What do you think of his replacement ?"  A shudder, "They say you've got beef."

Actor - "Off record ?  Or on."

Newshuman - Breathes ... "Never say anything to me you don't want the world to know."

Actor - Slowly reaches a hand around her throat, into her ear.  "He's a little bitch."

She smiles a half kiss behind.

Voiced over ~ "See what I mean ?  Every single one of them."

~ headline over a photo of the Actor and Co trying to block the camera with their hands ~

They're Totally Fucking

~ smaller print to the side ~

Best Movie Ever

The villain is a method actor getting ready, bodyguards on hand.  He does his make-up personally, ending with a last look of self appreciation, a couple of dumb faces made, then the eye patch.

Struts the studio halls 'in character' wearing his supervillain suit, buttons to the top.  Lavishing everything said with dramatic hand gestures.

He slaps a tray of donuts out of the intern's hands into slow mo at the sound effect while she tries catching them amid his in character maniacal laughter. 

Treating all as he would his screen minions.

Though strangely enough not his actual minions, the bodyguards always around before they back away, fading into the shadows before the take.

Actor - As the set prepares, he watches them disappear from sight with the co-star.  "I was thinking about getting some of those."

Co-star - In agreement, "Hm.  You know I hear they're actual ninjas ?"

He looks at her ...

Director - "And ... action."

She heads to, the intern puts the dog in the actor's arms.  He and the dog look at each other in full understanding of the stupid when the intern puts on the space helmet.

A look to the interns red eyes, she looks away fast.  A suspicious look, then to Hansel on set making faces in preparation, he draws his space pistol. 

She puts on the puppy's space helmet.

Co-star - In electric chains on the wall in a shredded spacesuit, "You'll never get away with this Doctor Zhivago."  Screams from the voltage.

Actor - Suit shredded, "People like us ... will always come."  Screams from the voltage.

Co-star - "They'll just keep coming.  And coming.  And coming."

Actor - "Nothing can stop it.  Nothing can hold it back.  We're coming."

They scream from the voltage until Zhivago's hit upside the head with a dog.

Director - "And ... cut."
__________

Hansel - In his dressing room on the phone.  "No it's fucking brilliant.  Don't you understand ?  You don't understand.  We.  Will be.  The first.  Don't you get it ?  The first.  It's fucking brilliant mom and you need to learn to love it.  Goodbye."

He hangs up and puts on headphones (Dancing Queen faint) continues removing the make-up in the mirror.
___

Outside the bodyguards guard.

Co-star - Walking by, "Oh my God there you are, he is furious."

Guard one - "Who ?"

Co-star - "Your boss, man !  He's like mad because people are touching him again at the food carts and you're in here standing by a door."

Guard two - Indulgently, "Look lady.  We know who you are.  We respect.  But we saw him go in there.  There's just one door."

Co-star - "What I'm making this up ?  How about one of you goes goes babysit him before the tantrum bleeds over and the other 'guard the door'."

They look at each other, one knocks on the door ...

Two - "He's got his fucking music."

     ~ Hansel - Singing to himself, "My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be some trouble."

Co-star - "It's a fucking tantrum and it's gonna fuck up a between you and me, already fucked production.  Okay ?  So one of you just go fucking check it out !"

One - Shakes his head ... "Just go fucking check it out."

Co-star - "Seriously."  They watch him walk away then round the corner, she stabs him with a needle.  "Seriously."

      ~ Hansel - "Hey now ... hey now ... my boyfriend's back."

His head smacks into the table, pulled back up by the hair.

Actor - "That intern is a personal friend of mine."

     ~ Intern - In tears while he cooks her breakfast, "He's just so ... mean to me ... "

Co-star - "And I'm just here because chicks over dicks."  She looks at the Actor, "I 'acted'."  Smiles wide.

Actor - "Yes you did ... "  He hits Hansel hard in the eye (the one for the patch to cover it), throws his face down.

Hansel - "Jesus.  Man."  He pulls a handkerchief for the blood with a glance at the mirror.  "Look.  You've got a lot of 'friends', right ?  I mean ... "

Actor - "How about you try always being nice."

Co-star - And if you ever say a word of this to anyone, we will fucking kill you."

Actor - "No joke."

...

Hansel - "Well.  As it happens I know people too.  They sent me with a message for you."  A ragged smile, "They want to meet with you.  Soon."

Actor - "Who."

Hansel - "The financiers ... "  He throws the kerchief down.

Actor - "Jesus fuck."

Hansel - "Mm ... hm."

Co-star - "Can I come ?"

The jet takes off ... and it's off to Merry Olde. 

I'll just skip to the everything and just say Hansel Crown is Capricorn's father but it's got nothing to do with anything here.  His rise would have been in the nineties after his career bombs and Cap isn't born yet, he was probably born in '99 or 00.

They sleep in the plane amid the tiny bottles ...

Then stare hungover at the man turning slow on a roasting spit, already cooked as the carver's about to cut, standing atop a large round table surrounding the meal. 

The blank eyes turn over and over, pointed at the doorway, the carver sees them standing there.

Carver - Cheerfully knife paused over the flesh, "Well hello !  We're all fans here ... don't mind the course, he was our enemy not yours, you will not be expected."

Co-star - "Mm.  It does smell like good enemy though."

Carver - "Disturbing the first time is it not ?  You are more than welcome."

Co-star - "Oh.  No.  I mean did he do anything to me ?"

Carver - A laugh, "No ... not directly.  He stole something from a friend of ours."  He starts to carve.

Actor - Watching the dead eyes turn over, "So was he like ... a really bad man ?"

Carver - "Oh yes !  Even to us ... again welcome and neither expected."

Hansel - Entering behind and for his chair, "Well I'll have a leg off that chicken."  Sitting, "And how are we all tonight ?"  To the actor and co-star, "Please sit.  In fact I think you were right, and nothing said of it again. 

"Now let me tell you about, this man."

The carver smiles to him and he smiles back as he continues.  "As much as we gave him, he always had to take more.  The kind of man who steal the motel's robe after you give him three women and a pile of jewels."

He watches his piece of the thigh meat being sliced, follow it at the fork drops it on the plate, then as the carver places it before him.

They all watch with excitement as he cuts it and takes a bite, then looks at the co-star, "Mm.  Indeed.  That's good enemy.  Now.  This man took so much from so many that in time it was inevitable that he'd take from his own.  Our own." 

Watching him turn, "He'd found a good source, and then he just couldn't stop.  We told him.  We warned him."  He looks at the actor, "He though he was special." 

A smile back to his plate as he cuts, more being passed around.  "And the reason why I have first choice of cutlet is because of what he did to one of my, 'personal friends'."

He feeds a bite to the woman next to him while they both watch the actor and co-star, "Which everyone knew.  So.  The reason you're here." 

He smiles to the carver.

Carver - Cutting away, "Yes.  Well of course my dear you have nothing to fear from us, your father's a friend."  Pausing in his cut, to the actor, "You ... "  He moves the knife side to side gesturing 'mehhhh ... ', well we are all very big fans. 

"So we have an investment in this film.

"And you are here because we are very sorry.  There has been interference with scripts, sabotage if you will, and this has made your production difficult."  As he returns to carve, "Which threatens the return of our investment."

"So we just wanted you to know, that this."  He drops a slab on a plate.  "Is the bounty of thieves." 

He smiles turning away to place the plate before a wide eyed courtesan, back turned.  "You are not expected to stay."

The rest of the room begins their private chatters with the sound of silver on porcelain while they stand there completely ignored.

The jet takes off ...

~ intermission ~

Killer's Take and the Bounty of Thieves

the actor voiced over ~ "I'm an actor.  Playing a role."

His character drives through the action montages for the new credits, when the costar flies down window level and waves, the dog sticks his head out the window for his credit, she takes off ahead fast through the traffic out of sight.

An explosion ahead ... as the fire takes the screen ~

~ Killer's Take and the Bounty of Thieves ~

The flames fade to them stand before the logo, she holds out a peace sign and the dog barks in his arm.

Director - "Cut !  My God this is garbage.  I love it."
________

The actor drives, the costar in the passenger seat, similar road and surroundings but at night to briefly in some way to seem that it would be a cut from the better opening credits from a show one may actually watch.

Then deep into his eyes as he drives intently ... they suddenly burst out laughing.

Co-star - "I know !  It's the worst pilot ever, it'll never get picked up."

Actor - "Sorry you got shanked out of your opportunity.  Though."

Co-star - "Oh.  Pf.  Not like anyone's gonna see it.  Daddy will buy me another one."  She looks out the window.

Actor - "How about I buy you another one."

...

Co-star - She looks ... "Like what ?"

Actor - Smiles driving, "Well.  It's an underground gig, but it's got the names and the backing.  The kind of thing you're supposed to start with, the kind of thing this was supposed to be."

Co-star - "The kind of thing that's good for you to get out of ... "

Actor - "This is my second fucking superhero movie with a dog."  Looks at her, smiles.  "You're new though."  Back to driving.

...

Co-star - "Are you falling in love with me ?"

Actor - "I ... I've loved every woman I've ... "

Co-star - Grabs his face and turns it to hers, "Are you falling in love with me ?"

Actor - "This is making it really hard to drive."

Co-star - "So pull the fuck over and answer the question."

He does.

Co-star - Pulls his face close to hers, "Are you falling in love with me ?"

His eyes look uncomfortably away.

Co-star - "Look me in the eyes."

He struggles internally to do so.

Co-star - Pushes his face away, "Don't offer me that unless you are.  I don't need you."

...

Actor - He starts the car ... it sits.  "I am."

...

Co-star - "What was that ?"

Actor - Turns her face to his eyes to eyes, "I'm falling in love with you."  He kisses her.  "And I want to make sure ... well.  I wanna make something good with you."

Co-star - "I ... knew it !  I think you're super cool too."  Crosses her arms and looks out the window happy.

Actor - Burst out laughing, "You're afraid of the word !"

Co-star - Looks at him very seriously, "I'm not afraid of the word, 'daddy'."

He stares ... she stares back.  The car starts back up and drives on.

Mingles into the traffic through the words, then the main music ~

Money slams on the motel counter, all the female characters one by one look up at the sky in awe, the strippers and various women around the world ... gossip eyed phone calls are made with cords twirling around fingers while the cannibals look aghast in the round.

While their heart shaped fuzzy bed spins in an era only such things could have been as they are right here.  The neon, the mirrors, no matter how passionate these people are or how beautiful it may be to them, every tome of film as though we're taking this seriously ...

Suffice to say we cannot.

Airplanes are flying to the left, flying to the right and for some reason there's fireworks while all around the world, women smile as if something right had happened in the world ...

But wait ... they look suspicious ...

She comes.  And they all smile nodding.
________

Co-star - Twirling on a wheel while the flame thrower machine slowly approaches, wearing a suit with dumb clocks on it, "You cannot keep interfering with the fabric of time.  The consequences will be catastrophic to everything even you have done."

Zhivago - "Oh but I already have.  How do ya think I got here.  And the funny thing is ... only I know what's different now.  While you ... never will !" 

Actor - Spinning on the wheel next to her, "That may be very deep, Doctor Zhivago, but we know who we are."

Co-star - "And we know you."

Zhivago - The flamethrower flames burn stronger in threat, "You know nothing of me.  I wanted to dance ballet !  But no ... my feet are too flat."

     ~ He spins crashing through the ballerinas.

Zhivago - "I wanted to paint !  But they could not understand my work."

     ~ It's almost a challenge to consider what immediately strikes as a truly crappy work of art which the artist is absolutely convinced is good.  But we've all seen it so put that in your brain.

Zhivago - "I was in a band that nobody ever heard, but I ... Invented ... DISCO ... so TELL me ... where is your ... dog ?"

...

They all burst out laughing ... the flames die down, the spinner guys pop out from behind the wheel.

Costar - Laughing uncontrollably, "I can't ... I really just can't.  Please stop the spinning."

Actor - "Can we just ... cut that to us dying, evil wins ... ironic ending ... ?"

Director - Stares a sec like that almost sounds cool ... snaps out of it.  "Okay.  Yeah.  I know.  You three, office."

They enter and sit, Hansel stands looking out the window.

Director - Sits at his desk and sees the actor and co-star holding hands ... in shock he looks at the actor.  "What the fuck is this ?"

Actor - "What."

Her hand tightens.

Director - Stares at him a sec, the actor looks away.  "Well fuck me like a binge in Norway ... okay.  Here's the deal. 

"This project will never see the light of day.  It will not be shown in a theater, it will not be aired as a pilot.  Nobody's gonna pick it up.  So we're gonna have to shelf it for the insurance, and the tax deduction."

...

Actor - "Uhhh ... "

Director - "But !  We need to make it look like we tried.  Because if they look at at what we have and do not see a viable product, or at least the attempt at one ... now this ... " 

He stares at their hands ...

Director - "This is good.  Makes it look like maybe you were distracted."

Actor - "That's ... "

Costar - "Not a bad idea."  She looks at him.  "I mean really.  It'll be good for the other thing."

Director - "What other thing ?"

Actor - "Nothing.  So we need beginning, middle, end."

     ~ Zhivago gets hit upside the head with a dog at the flamethrower controls.

Director - "That's what we need.  But.  There will be no residuals."

Hansel - "And ... "

Director - "And all the coke profits go to the financiers."

Actor and Co-star - "What !?"

Hansel - "Or ... ?"

Director - ... slowly bursts into tears, "Or they're gonna fucking eat me !  He pulls out a handkerchief, "Oh my God it's just so much !  You know ?  These scripts, the studio ... they want insane things !  All the time something new !  It was gonna be a good fucking show !

"Big screen, then network with the goodies cut, boom.  Syndication, here we come.  And everybody gets paid ... now ... we can't even afford to promote it !

"So that's it !"  He calms down and lights a cigar ... "That's it."

Co-star - "Well.  What if it did sell ?"

...

Hansel looks interested, waiting for something to be said.

Director - Laughs a bit cheered up, "You mean like ... 'make it good' ?"  He laughs smoking and puts it out, opens the drawer and pulls a blunt. 

"I like how you think kid, poppa said you've got the grit.  I'm assuming you mean he's got the money to promote it too."
____

Producer - "Hooo ... well pumpkin ... it means there's no pony this year ... "

Co-star - "What !?"
____

Co-star - "We all make our sacrifices."

Actor - "I can ... chip in on that."

She looks at him.

Director - Glances at their hands and between the two still staring at each other nearly unreadable.  He leans forward passing the blunt across the desk, "Alright superstars ... what's the plan ?"

~ five

Candles lit and circle carved in the desk around the telephone, they gather around the co-star, ringing on the other end ... waiting ... it picks up.

Co-star - "Um.  Mr Chule ?"

Chule - " - mumble mumble - mumble mumble mumble - (muffled) O hai ! - mumble mumble - Vroom Vroom ! - mumble mumble mumble - Mua-ha-ha ... mumble mumble - ."  (gunshot sound)

Co-star - "O my God really !?"

Chule - "Yah ! - mumble mumble."

Co-star - "Holy shit that's amazing.  So hey.  I was hoping you could do me ... us ... a favor ... ?"

...

Chule - " - mumble mumble - "

Co-star - "Yeah well he's dead in a bathtub now."

Chule - " - mumble mumble - mumble mumble - "

Co-star - "Last we heard about that guy he was still having those nightmares ... a lot ... he may be insane now, nobody actually knows."

Chule - " - mumble ... mum ... ble ... - "

Co-star - "Cannibals got him."

Chule - " - he-he-he ... mumble - "

Co-star - "Think he had a heart attack."

Chule - " - mumble mumble ? - "

Co-star - "Yeah like just the other other day."

...

Chule - " - mum - "

Co-star - "Totally.  So.  Now that the production's completely trashed from all that I kind of feel like you owe us something."

They all look at her, she looks back to shut up.

Co-star - "I mean those guys ?  Fuck those guys.  Played the game and got dealt."

Chule - " - mumble - "

Co-star - "But we didn't have anything to do with that."  Clears her throat ... " 'On my honor'."

Chule - " - Grumble ... - "

Co-star - Looks at the actor, "And the lead's a good man.  I vouch for him."

...

Chule - " - mum - "

Co-star - Hangs up, looks around to the waiting.  "He'll do it."

Actor - "Really ?"

Costar - "For your Corvette."

Actor - "God damn it."

They pack up the scene canisters while somewhere else a man loads a typewriter, rolling it in.  Big headphones on, he types as though he were slapping all the keys bopping his head side to side, seen only from behind, with a window showing the woods.

The actor watches his Corvette get loaded on a hauler with a tear in his eye, the co-star walks up and takes his hand.

Actor - "It had the all the little dash lights ... "

     ~ Chule slaps the keys while the canisters are delivered.

Co-star - "I know it had the dash lights.  They were cool."  Looks at him, "Thank you."

     ~ Slaps the lever while the shows credits are on a home screen to the side.

Actor - Watches the truck pull away ... looks at her.  "Anything."

Elsewhere the director shakes the last powder from a bag ... throws it down, the co-star at her birthday party, arms crossed in her dumb little hat looking very disappointed ...

     ~ Keys get slapped while a Corvette's seen burning through the window. 

The script is delivered with the canisters back, some Polaroids of a burning Corvette dropped on top.

Actor - Picks one up ... "He's just so ... mean."

Co-star - "You two actually have a lot in common."

He looks suspiciously to the side at her.
____________

And they're in costume, that air of nervousness in the back of a van the actor holds up the dog, looking into its eyes.

Actor - "Does he even have a real name ?"

Co-star - "It's Aloysius P. Doghounder.  He's ... honestly got more training as an actor than both of us combined."

Actor - "Dr dog ... what the hell are we doing ?"

Co-star - "What we can."

Actor - "I ... never want to dress like this again.  Fucked up thing is, I probably will.  These movies now are just ... how could I feel so young and so old ?"

 

...

Co-star - Vaguely singing, "Pew, pew, pew, with the lasers ... "

The actor looks at him, she looks back.

Co-star - "Vroom, vroom, vroom, with the cars ... "

He smiles with a hand on her cheek.

Co-star - "Zoom, zoom, zoom, with our capes on ... "  Leans in for a kiss, "From the moment I saw him I fell ... (kiss) I'm having a great time.  You ready ?"

Actor - Literally broken in love right now ... he looks at the dog, the dog looks back.  "Are you ready, Aloysius P ... "

Co-star - "Doghounder."

Actor - Looks at the dog, "The most terrifying stunt I've ever done ... "  To her, "We.  Meaning Aloysius P. Doghounder and I ... are ready."

The van doors swing open, they go out into the world hanging movie posters in their costumes wile walking the dog.  To a slowly recognizing crowd, one to the phone booth and then the press, a big thing of it happens.

People start noticing them holding hands and whisper to the side ... they kiss and hold up the held hands and the crowd goes wild.

They talk to the people and laugh, sign autographs and posters, the people take arm fulls and hang more.  In the park he cooks a barbecue while she serves up plates, still in costume.

Actor - Turning over a brat with the fork, "Well.  I can't give anything away ... "  Drops it on a bun on plate, "But I can guarantee you will be surprised."

She passes it to the news human.

Newshuman - "Not much surprising these days on screen, we're more interested in you two.  Is it real or is it another ... "

Co-star - "It's real.  Want some mustard with that ?"

Newshuman - Smiles, "Understood.  With relish."  Adds some, she takes a bite.  Mouth full, "So.  There are really just so many things like this these days ... how do you expect to draw an already tired audience ?"

Actor - "Oh.  No ... there are no others like this.  You'll know when you know."

Newshuman - "I see ... and the ... ghostwriter ?  We've heard rumors."

Actor - Smiles ... "The rumors are true."

Her eyes go wide, she writes it down.

Director - As the set prepares, the crew to and fro, the actor walks by.  Looking at the script, "Holy shit."

Actor - "What."

Direct - "He ... he left the final scene as is !"  Excited, "He didn't change a fucking thing !  It just says 'use original' and he fucking cut it out and taped it !"  Beaming smile ...

Actor - "Is this a good thing ?"

Director - Looks at him with frozen wide smile, "I wrote that scene."  A giddy giggle, "We needed something fast so ... I just threw it down at the club !"

Actor - "Was Louise dancing ?"

Co-star - Walking by for the set, "God I miss Louise."

Director - "Yeah !  Miss Louise !"  A laugh he turns to the set prepared, "Action !"

~ Into the club and through the crowd, where the director sits in the club, pad on the table, looking up to Louise wide eyed and back down to the page scrawling as though he were sketching her fast.

(directly into the next scene)

~ six

~ As the director 'sketches' Louise ~

The actor drives hard into the night, Dog Soldier leaps from the window and speeds ahead.  Meanwhile ~

The costar is surrounded by minions in the arena, the arena surrounded by more.  The all take off their masks revealing themselves all to be Doctor Zhivago.  Some scarred and some no, one could assume these were all accumulated through time and not clones or parallels.

     ~ The producer watches a man turn on the spit in front of him at the table of well dressed cannibals awaiting, chefs gathering behind him sharpening their knives ... he breaks into tears.

Zhivago - In the arena before the co-star, minions joining,  "And now ... it is the end."  He puts on a boney necklace, "For we all can now share the power, of the Serenity Bone."

     ~ The director looks up at her on the table in awe he whispers, 'serenity bone' ... looks down and writes fast.

Lightning spreads between them all, spreading from those close to throughout the crowd, they all go mad with their power until Zhivago Prime swings at the costar.

Caught with a confidence that fades when Zhivago starts pushing through with a wicked grin.  She puts up the other hand to hold the fist back, feet beginning to slide back, when the mob of him tackles her.

     ~ They rush through the traffic on their way, the director gawks, Louise smiles into a turn with a wink.

They pile on the co-star as she swings back and throws them off, spinning kicks take waves, she leaps flying through a row when another pile knocks her down then more vaguely absurd punching and kicking.

Co-star - Throws them off and stands enraged, notices the dab of blood on her cheek, looks the distance to Zhivago Prime, "You absolute.  Fucking.  Slut."

     ~ Louise's knees on the table, her face in his lap, he writes with the pad on her back.  The chef's close in on the Producer who is completely melting down at this point.

The car blows through the wall and skids to a stop through a crowd of evil ... he gets out to a quiet set with the normal crew and just one Hansel when the police file in around him.

Hansel - "What.  What.  Is happening."  Getting put into cuffs, "What ?  What are the charges !?"

Cop - "Uh.  Eating people.  I mean there's other stuff ... a lot ... but you know.  Damn."

Give a look to the other cop, the other cop makes scary finger fangs, responding "Oh no !"

They laugh ...

Actor - Voiced over as the take him away, the crew not knowing what to do.  "I'm an actor.  Playing a role."

     ~ The Producer shakes hands laughing with the actors playing the noble cannibals and chefs, all congratulating each other after the scene. 

The actor and co-star take each other's hands and into each other's eyes.

Actor - "You're in."

Basic credits first while people exit the businesses on the 70's strip, families driving in from all over and lining the street, then at 0:57 ~

A parade with balloons of the characters (except Chule) through their credits, including if not especially the intern (the first balloon) and the producer in their little suits and whatever the hell a director looks like, with the actual crew on the floats waving.

Mixed with ID shots being taken of the women in black suits for an agency called 'The S.I.N.' (still named things like 'The Intern', The Model', 'Newshuman' and 'Louise'), each up with a middle finger.

Chorus ~

The Actor and Co-star holding hands in synchronized tap dancing side by side looking annoyed (only their feet moving) while evil minions shoot at their feet, actor with a long stem rose in his teeth.

The intern hands him the dog, then more balloons ! 

Next chorus ~

Still dancing with minions shooting at a talk show in front of the couch, then at the premier as the cameras' flashes like the bullets flying, never changing the looks on their faces (it'll be a direct splice).

The intern puts on his space helmet.  After the final balloons, they dance on the last float of the parade.

~ mid-credit after the last Balloon ~

Newshuman - In the interview with the actor, "You're work has been compared to Shakespeare.  How do you feel about that ?"

Actor - A blushing smile down and to the side, "Well.  I've always been more of a Marlowe man myself."

Newshuman - Straightens and crosses her legs, "Oh !"

Last credit ~ 'Written by Alan Smithee'